hubris can bite me.

[athene]

I am not happy right now. In fact, i'm in a really pissy mood. Probably some combination of george and the fact that i'm pissed at myself for hurting my foot and that i now feel helpless b/c i need to stay off of it and put it up, so i didn't accept work for today, even though it probably really would have helped, espcially since i worked for a week and had to reopen my unemployment claim, so who knows when i'll see the next check. But mostly I'm upset about my foot. It's not fair. The one part of my body I really really REALLY like. And I keep injuring it (see chart below). Now, I have lovely feet. They are long and narrow with high arches and beautiful fingerlike toes. I keep teasing that I want to be a foot model. But it's only a half tease. I think that it'd be fun. However, I don't think that this will be possible. It's not fair. The one phyiscal thing that i think i really could do and it's taken away from me. Not because they are a size 10AAA (for those who don't know what that means, it means that I can wear a men's size 8 and that they are really narrow - shoes marked Narrow in a store are AA, and are often too wide for me), but because of the scar and slightly larger second nuckle on my right foot and now this. I mean my toe is all out of place and swollen. What if it never goes back to the way that it was? what if it always sticks out like this. oh god. how aweful. my poor feet. IT'S NOT FAIR! I like my feet. i'm one of the few people in the world who do. and now they're ruined. damn it all. the one part of my body i feel looks almost perfect. why???????????????????? i know, it sounds really silly and superficial, but i really like my feet. and i really wanted to be a foot model. or at least be able to fall back on that if things got bad. i'm so scared that my toe is ruined forever. i really don't know what i'll do if that's the case. gods, this sounds so stupid, but it's how i feel.

Age	Time of Year	What Happened	Injury	Care taken	Result
2, almost 3	summer	2 foot long wooden block fell on the second toe of my left foot.	Toe bruised around nail (under nail turned purple).	went to hospital.  Was told to tape toe to the toes next to it.	Healed fine.  Lost the toenail.
11 (6th grade)	winter (dec)	Was doing ballet jumps in front of mirror before rehearsal for Nutcracker.  Came down on side of left foot.	Slightly fractured side of foot.	went to hospital.  Was put in cast and given crutches.	Was no longer in production of Nutcracker.  Learned how to use crutches. Healed fine.
14	summer	Noticed something strange on underside of big toe, left foot.	Had a plantar wart.	had to be surgically removed.	Had to miss first day of TSSF.  Have an ugly scar on bottom of toe.
15 (10th grade)	spring	Was taking stairs 2 at a time in the dark after brushing teeth.  Jammed right toe into side of stairs.	Toe was broken on middle toe bone up to the joint.	Went to hospital.  back to crutches.	Couldn't participate in NOCCA's mime troupe at Jazz Fest.  Toe is slighly wider than toe on other foot.
20	summer	was swimming in a pond.  Jammed same toe on a rock.  worried might be re-broken.	Not broken, just bruised.	Went to hospital, but was ok.  Taped it to toe next to it, put it up, put ice on it.	Just fine.
22 (senior year of college)	winter (dec)	Was getting ready for riding lesson, Beauty, the horse, stood up and stepped on the big toe of my left foot.	Badly bruised toe.  Not broken, decided b/c I could put weight on it and could bend it..	Did lesson, came home, taped it to toe next to it, put it up, put ice on it.  Called heath services.  they told me to do the same thing.	Hobbled around for a few days.  Had to get past fear of horses again.
24	winter (dec)	Turned around from computer to go downstairs.  Banged ring toe on left foot against table.	Probably not broken.  Maybe dislocated.  Not sure.  Haven't gone to hopsital as have no health insurance, and I don't think it's broken.	Cleaned and moved car.  Decided toe was not broken b/c could put weight on it and could bend it.  Did hear a popping sound when moved toe back into place.  Taped it to toe next to it, put it up, put ice on it.	Still hobbling around the house.  Hopefully it will be fine.

not listed: the weird thing I have where one of my toes will shoot straight out and the ligament under my foot will be really tense and i have to push the toe back in place and massage my foot. there's a name for this, but i forgot it.

Comments

[godspiel.livejournal.com]

I'm never letting my feet anywhere near you again.