"losing my balance too"

Sep. 20th, 2017 07:12 pm
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[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
 Back when I wrote journals for Abundance's eyes only, I used to include a section on what I was coveting on any given day. Sometimes it helped me not buy things, sometimes it helped me pull the trigger on something that actually would make my life better.
For the moment, I've passed through the valley of eye makeup.   I know that I need to read or get rid of a lot of books I've got loitering around unread, I usually limit myself to only buying things by authors that I'm already devoted to (Seanan McGuire, Gail Carriger, Max Gladstone were the last three, I believe) and I've channeled my acquistiveness into a giant, excessively organized s/s of the books I want to read.   I've realized that the internet is where to get recipes from, so my cookbook acquisition has ground to a halt as well.  Any day now I'm going to break up with the thirty thousand indie perfume sites I visit and stop ordering samples.  
Sidenote: That said, I find the indie makeup reddit a weirdly welcoming and comforting place and I feel like there are other communities like that that I should be availing myself of.  Maybe Captain Awkward forums?  or some other yet-to-be-discovered thing?  I remember fondly the days when 60% of my socializing took place on alt.goth, and then later when a smaller but still significant percentage took place on dar williams and nields mailing lists.  And facebook isn't really the same thing, I'm not actually engaging with strangers there.
I don't need more things in the house, I don't feel like I have a good handle on all the stuff that is already in the house. But in the back of my mind, there's a voice that tells me maybe this next thing is going to be the thing that makes me happy enough to tip me over into a state of relative emotional stability.  Maybe the next perfume will make me self-confident, maybe the frank lloyd wright branded pencils will make me feel put together and nerdy enough to stop doubting my every move. Maybe the next kickstarter/patreon will save me.  And I know it's not true, I know that there are things that I'm just going to have to eventually negotiate internally or accept but that doesn't make me look longingly at the sock dreams website with any less regularity.
When telling people (light, abundance, my therapist) about my thought/belief/realization that I'm not getting any better, I keep sidetracking myself and talking about not getting better _at_ something (usually poly) rather than just this feeling of trying to achieve some goal of betterness and not getting there.  why else these twenty years of pills and therapy, these thirteen years of sobriety, this striving?
I should have made the brie-caramelized onion-apple pizza for dinner tonight, but while running errands today (heading home from dropping Light off at work after his doctor's appointment and buying Tank his birthday present) I did something (hit a pothole? ran over something? did some other thing that panic made me black out on (though I don't think I lost any time)) that gave my car a flat tire.  I drove maybe another block or five, pulled into a parking lot and called Light. AAA showed up very quickly (they were apparently just hanging out in the rite aid parking lot), changed my tire and sent me on my way.  I of course was crying and hyperventilating at this point, but made my way home and then ran out of steam completely.  I should have taken a nap, but even after the adrenalin should have worn off, I was still jittery.  Tired, but jittery.  I watched a baaad horror movie on netflix, cleaned a little, tried to walk the dog (Nonsense was having none of it, she is not a fan of rain) and did very little else, which included not making the pizza.
And I just remembered I forgot to pick up the farm share.  Blargh.  And I just noticed how late it is, and have decided to no longer wait for anyone to get home to eat my dinner.

[5778] reparations

Sep. 20th, 2017 02:45 pm
hermionesviolin: a closeup of a glossy apple (shining yellow close to the viewer, red along the edges) against a tan background (apples and honey)
[personal profile] hermionesviolin
As has become my custom, reposting this from Amy:
One of the big pieces of the ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is that you reflect over the past year, and you attempt to (A) accept and forgive anything that has been done to you, and (B) apologize and ask forgiveness for anything you have done to others.


Anonymous is enabled, and all comments are screened. If I've done anything to hurt you this year, let me know. If there's anything you think I might still be upset over, let me know that too. I won't unscreen unless you specifically request I do [...] The goal isn't to start fresh- that's often not possible- but to acknowledge what has happened over this year (or any previous time, if you so choose) as an attempt to not have it happen again.

I promise to treat anything you say seriously and respectfully, and I will seriously be considering it over the next ten days.

I was telling bff recently that I want to resolve All The Things -- that the part that I'm most attracted to in Amy's post is not the forgiveness per se as the opportunity to get to tell people how they've hurt you and the opportunity to get to hear from people how you have hurt them. Okay, this is more than I want to Know All The Things, but I do want to get to fix things where possible (though yes, in my own life, the people I've hurt are unlikely to be reading this, and it's mostly stuff that's not really able to be ~fixed by being brought up. hashtag: #redacted).

In recent months, I've been thinking about reparations and direct cash transfers generally (Ta-Nehisi Coates' Atlantic article "The Case for Reparations" and Lauren Chief Elk-Young Bear et al.'s #GiveYourMoneyToWomen, plus critiques of the non-profit industrial complex from e.g. INCITE! Women of Color Against Violence's The Revolution Will Not Be Funded: Beyond the Non-Profit Industrial Complex).

When giving online, I've started giving $18 'cause of the symbolic import in Judaism (see e.g., this Tumblr post -- tl;dr 18 symbolizes "life").
omnia_mutantur: (Default)
[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
 Stepping into the shower at the gym today, I crashed, all of a sudden flooded with the thought "I'm not getting any better", and proceeded, unable to shake it loose.
Immediately before this thought, I was thinking I needed a nickname for Light's girlfriend, but none of the things I can come up with sound value-neutral enough, and I don't know her very well, and I asked him if he wanted to invite her to see a movie with the three of us, and it's not that I especially want to hang out with her, I just know that I'm supposed to be chiller than I am, and so am going to force myself to perform more chillness than I feel.
My mother always told me to behave as if I was happy, that it was close enough to being happy, that it was what everyone wanted. I never bought it, I knew she just wanted me to be easier for her to deal with, but apparently I internalized it enough that the bully that lives inside my skin reminds me it's my job to be easier for other people has the litany memorized.
I try so hard to be unflappable.  I'm not, but I try so hard.  Though a couple nights ago I announced that I thought I was a harpy, but then had an internal conversation with myself externally (it was late and we were on our way to bed) about how maybe being a harpy is like being attractive, it's in the eye of the beholder and only the beholder knows how they feel about harpiness or attraction.
I fall down so often and so thoroughly and I don't know how to stop.  I feel like whatever the emotional equivalent of my knees is spends a lot of time skinned and dirty. I need to be able to let Abundance and Light be poly in whatever ways they need, despite my fears of losing everyone.  I think Delight doesn't get factored into this conversation because despite my deep, deep love for her, since we don't cohbait, we see each other a couple times a week and while Starchild may mean I get less of her attention, I suspect Starchild will also mean I see her more often, when things settle out.  I need to be more confident, less scared, less volatile.   And I'm 41 years old, there are a lot of places I'm feeling like if I haven't gotten there yet, I'm probably not going to get there in the future.
 Self-pity's such a good look, you know.

(no subject)

Sep. 17th, 2017 09:51 pm
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[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
 Newsy posts totally count when I don't have the stamina for anything emotional, I tell myself.
I went to a memorial today, back in the coastal massachusetts town my grandfather used to own a house in.   When he died, his three sons (my father and his two brothers) couldn't agree on what to do with it, (my father is not talking to one of his brothers, and the other brother, my favorite uncle, runs gobetween).  The whole family was there, including a bunch of basically-cousins that I barely remember. 
The ocean was warmed than we expected, and so when my nephews and their fathers (my brothers) charged into the ocean, so did I.  So I got to hang out in the ocean for the third day in a row, laughing racuously with small people and having an absolute blast.  The fog was thick in a stephen king kind of way, but this was the same beach we went to every summer for my entire childhood and then some.   
We didn't vacation as children, my mother had epic and awful road trips with her four siblings and my father just didn't travel.  (the running joke was apparently that my grandmother believed you needed a passport to go outside of 128).  This was it, and I mostly hated it because it was just so much family time and so much sun  Still these days I look so pale next to any member of my biofamily.
Then home, and dog to the dog park, and puzzle and Survivor with Abundance and Secret World with Light, and I have a new Kris Delmhorst sticker for my laptop.   Today I tore through yet another adorable lesbian romance and now it's time for bed.

(no subject)

Sep. 16th, 2017 10:45 pm
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[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
 It's been a good day.

When I woke up this morning, I had another headache and a deep inability to wake all the way up.  And I hadn't even increased the ambien like I'm supposed to.  (the story gets better).  Abundance found me asleep on the couch with the dog when he got up and sent me back to bed.   When I woke back up, I realized that it wasn't the right place in my head for a migraine (migraine - stabby pain behind right eye, headache more like full-skull dull ache).  

I still doubt that I reallly have migraines, maybe I'm just faking it for the good drugs and the excuses they provide. Hell, I still sometimes wonder if I'm faking my alcoholism (thanks, parents!), for attention and excuses and all those things, to be special in some backwards sort of way. My couples counselor tried to give me permission to tell myself maybe sometimes things are just hard, I don't need to doubt all my reactions all the time.

After Abundane ran with the dog, we toasted blintzes from baza, and I ate them with my magical strawberry chocolate jam from Baza.  Then we dropped Light off at Bloc 11 and drove to salem to be on the boat.  It took me a little bit to re-adjust to the boat, it's been a while, but my hot pink watershoes were there and I got to be naked and have sex in a boat on the ocean, and then I even jumped off the boat.   Since we took Nonsense to Revere Beach yesterday, this means I went in the ocean two days in a row.  Took me until September, but I guess that's the way of it.   Well, technically I believe I was in the ocean many times in a row on vacation, but that's different.

Light pointed out that Irma destroyed our favorite vacation spot, and I keep randomly thinking about the strays on the  virgin islands, and thinking I should really try to get to australia and snorkel before everything is ruined/gone forever, but then maybe I should actually try to get SCUBA certified first, and how the hell am I going to find an instructor who actually understand the problems with lots of body fat and stumpy little arms.  

Then we came home, took Nonsense to the dog park.  Even though both Light and Abundance seem to enjoy watching Nonsense run around and it certainly makes my life easier having three pairs of eyes on the dog (I'm a worrier, I worry a lot about being That Dog Parent at the park.) I wonder if it's boring them, if it's selfish to not just take her myself.

Then we went to the book riot book club at PSB, which has the delightful format of a handful of people who j ust talk about whatever it is they read that month, and I got a recommendation for a childrens book that is, among other things, a subtle takedown of toxic masculinity according to the woman who talked about it.  

Then we went to It, up in Burlington with the fancy seats with footrests that pop up at the push of a button.   I do enjoy jump scares, like little tastes of the coming haunted houses this year, but I don't think I enjoyed the movie. I don't think I'll ever see the miniseries or read the book, but I do still love the experience of seeing movies in the theaters.

I've started reading Gena/Finn by Hannah Moskowitz and it's maybe a little on the nose about weird internet friendships/relationships (dear gods it makes me uncomfortable to think about how many folks from alt.goth I got into intense internet relationships with in my college years) and being some sort of crazy and one of the main characters is starting college and writes this vaguely unhinged letter to her parents she never sends and it just set off all the feels and so much of the college-related anger I still remember.  Abundance and I and Light and his girlfriend will all be in Philadelphia attending a con in November, and I think I might take Abundance to see my college campus, even if I don't know how I'll react.  (gods, it'll be my twenty year reunion next year.  Maybe I can convince Light and Abundance and Delight to all come with me, openly as my partners and see how that plays out.)

I'm all over the place, and it's time for bed, and I kind of want to talk about how all the things are making me feel old and my weird psychiatrist suggesting I have more of a schedule or get a retail holiday job and it just made me feel like I was either overreacting or explaining things badly, because I do have a schedule most days and I can't imagine a retail job doing anything other than wearing me thinner than I already am these days.  

(no subject)

Sep. 16th, 2017 04:28 pm
42itous: (Default)
[personal profile] 42itous
a butterfly seen head-on on a flower
"If I turn sideways, you can't see me."

Wonder Woman II

Sep. 16th, 2017 10:25 am
hermionesviolin: (one girl in all the world)
[personal profile] hermionesviolin
After I saw the 2017 Wonder Woman movie, I asked the Internet for recommendations of comics versions to read.

Greg Rucka was basically what I was told -- which was fine, since I'd heard him spoken well of by my comics friends for a while.

I read his recent WW volumes "The Lies" (loved it) and "Year One" (it's fine; it's an origin story) -- Wonder Woman V, for those of you keeping track.

I learned that he had also written the last few volumes of Wonder Woman II (the post-Crisis on Infinite Earths reboot which ran from 1987-2006), so because I'm a completionist I read all the trades in that series so I'd have the appropriate background when I read the Rucka. I would not recommend this course of action. Some of them are just Not Good. Also, not all the issues have been collected into trade paperbacks, so even if you read all the published collections you still miss various chunks of story.
  • George PĂ©rez (1-24) good
  • [I can't speak to issues 25-89 because they're not collected in trade *eyeroll*]
  • William Messner-Loebs (90-100) ugh :( The Amazons are all in string bikinis (which I guess is largely the fault of Mike Deodato Jr., the illustrator) and Hippolyta gets character assassinated. I did not pick fights with everyone (or even anyone) on GoodReads who gave these volumes 4/5 stars or higher, but I considered it.
  • John Byrne (101-112) okay -- anything seems good after Messner-Loebs, but I wasn't especially grabbed by it
  • [and I can't speak to issues 113-163]
  • Phil Jimenez (164-177) I really liked "Gods of Gotham" (which is contained in "Paradise Lost"). The rest of it is fine, I guess. Part of it is the "Our Worlds At War" crossover event.
  • [why do we keep skipping issues?! 178-194 this time]
  • Greg Rucka (195-226) The art team on this run, almost as soon as I started reading it, it felt really contemporary in a way that felt really familiar and comfortable to me.

    There's also interesting narrative stuff -- about how the gods change (or don't) as humans change, which is in keeping with earlier stuff about how the gods need the faith of humans. (I mean, there are lots of plotlines woven through this run, but that one was arguably my favorite.)

    I read through "Land of the Dead" (214-217) and stopped for a while, and honestly you could end there and be okay. There are some plotlines that still haven't been wrapped up, but "Mission's End" (218-226) gets a lot darker (in large part because it's intertwined with a bunch of other DC arcs).
I had thought about reading the William Moulton Marston original series next and then the Gail Simone run (Wonder Woman III, 2006-2010), but I think I'm actually gonna take a break from comics for the moment. (It is maybe not the best idea to read ~92 issues spanning two decades in the space of a month?) Even though volume 3 of my first Rucka run came in for me at the library, so I may still read that.

(I've also read the Jill Thompson and Renae De Liz and like, they were fine, but they didn't really stick with me.)
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[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
I have a sweetly curled up dog, yet another horror movie on Netflix and another migraine.  I had one Sunday, I don't know if I should chalk it up to a couple very bright days and nights of poor sleep, or if things are escalating.  I ordered a pizza and now all I want is an ice cream sundae, complete with hot fudge and possibly even one of those toxic red cherries on top.  I could foodler one up, but somehow that's a bridge too far for even me. 

The omeprazole doesn't seem to be doing as good a job lately, and I know if I go back to the doctor, she'll push for a food diary and possibly another colonoscopy/endoscopy and I don't really want either.  But last night was all heartburn and belching until the wee hours and I don't want that either.

I canceled on Intention this evening, before I even figured out it was a migraine (it's weird that I'm still not great at judging migraine pain until I take the pills and it's absent and I'm like "oh, that's what turning my head is supposed to feel like/not feel like."), when I just thought that I wasn't feeling up to strangers. 

Today felt off. I could barely wake up, I don't even know how I spent the morning, though I suspect cleaning.  Out to Brookline to my psychiatrist, with time to kill I went and bought a bra at Lady Grace, and I know bra sizing is basically black magic, but now I'm a 42C, which doesn't seem quite right and somehow makes me feel like my boobs are shrinking.  It was so hard after the reconstruction, when I got rid of almost all of my clothes because they didn't hang right, because my pre-surgery boobs were larger, because I hadn't understood, hadn't asked the right questions, didn't know how much things were going to change, and my surgeon told me it wasn't that much of a change, that I had the largest implants available.   But once, I was a DD and I don't feel like I've lost weight but I refuse to get on a scale. And the woman suggested I avoid underwires, because of the aforemtnioned implants.   But I felt strange and sad and reminded that I'd lost something.  Oh, and matronly.  Lady Grace does not stock sexy not-underwire bras in my size.  

Then to pick Light up at work, stopped in at Staples and was unable to resist the idea of a staple that contained a pencil sharper. (we needed the stapler, i'm not so sure about the pencil sharpener.)  Then couples, and home, and then meds and pizza and Light's at one of his D&D games and Abundance is at a meetup, and there's all these goals I set myself for the week that I haven't done.   Financial things for our financial advisor, all the dishes, made bananas bread and tibetan burritos, wrangled the rest of the medical billing, finished the cross stitch.  Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow.  And I should catch up on emails, and I should read that dog training book, and find the next class for Nonsense to take, and I should find a volunteer opportunity and yet.

I want to buy all the seasonal fall and halloween indie perfumes, I want everything to be pumpkin flavored. I want it to be time to roast squashes and open the windows. 

(no subject)

Sep. 11th, 2017 10:17 pm
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[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
 It continues to bewilder me how quickly some of these days go by, and how I end so many of them doing laps around the dining room table to get up to 10K steps.

I took my dog to the dog park to work with the trainer, and I was struck with how comparatively short a time Nonsense has been with us, and how much of my life she's become. She's no Buckets, to peaceably sleep out her middle and old age on the couch for eight hours at a time, she's no 12lb dog I don't need to worry about training because I can just pick her up if she needs to be re-directed.  And as I told the dog massage therapist at the dog fair, I'm much older than her and have a lot more ability to emotionally regulate, and I'm not over my anxiety, I have no expectation of her ever being not-anxious, I just want to do as much for her as I can.

I got to spend the afternoon with Delight, mostly sans baby.  Something about her being gone for so long during starchild's adoption quest seems to have jacked up the volume on my twitterpatedness with her, and I was already pretty twitterpated to begin with.  

I started to read Emma Cline's The GIrls, and got to a part where the protagonist is in her teens and lies about having seen a movie in order to look cool to her crush-object and gets caught in the lie, and my entire body cringed and I realized this was all bad enough the first through threehundredth time, reliving it doesn't necessarily gain me anything.  I'll try the book again, just because, but today I gave myself a break and started listening to Elizabeth Kostova's latest epic.

I remember how freeing it was to finally learn to just tell Light (and then everyone else) that their cultural referents were lost on me, instead of trying to vague it up to appear to share a language. I remember a kid in high school telling me I was cool because it was obvious I knew the lyrics to a they might be giants song, but didn't feel compelled to sing along to prove that I did.  And I still sometimes want to pretend that I've read all the books, followed all the news, done all the things, but it's good to remember that I'm happier not having to remember all the half-truths. 

(no subject)

Sep. 11th, 2017 05:21 pm
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[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
 Day 2.  (it still counts if I write the (admittedly short) post and don't post it)

Startlingly good weekend, despite the addition of a migraine Saturday evening.  Sunday was a blast, we took Nonsense to the Somerville Dog Festival and got her fitted for both a harness for more ease of running with Abundance and a lifejacket, so we can take her out on Abundance's boat.  We also got to see the amazing woman who helped us with Buckets' end of life care, and Nonsense got eat raspberry-duck ice cream with fish skin toppings.

I keep thinking about ideas of friendship, how I've changed, what it was in each decade of my life, what it is now, what I miss and what I don't miss.  I don't have the points to write about it now, but I'm leaving this as a breadcrumb for a future omnia.

what's this?

Sep. 10th, 2017 09:34 pm

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